Time is precious!

I guess since no one is here for me to talk to then writing out how I feel is second best. I feel like I'm a failure as a grandchild. My Grandma's were always there for me growing up and always let me know how much I was loved. I sent the occassional letter, cards and flowers. They would always tell me how sweet it is but they just wanted pictures of the kids. I sent out some over the years but not nearly as often as I should have. I always said I would and would promise but then life would escape me. I would get busy and forget all about sending some pictures until the next phone call and reminder. I would get upset because I wanted them to know that I had every intention of sending pictures of the family but I would just get busy with the kids, life in general. Now I sit here and think...How long does it take to print off a couple pics and send them off? How long does it take these days to log onto Walmart or snapfish and upload a few pictures and even have them send it off? My life isn't too busy to watch movies, to go online, to go shopping wo why is it too busy for family? Why did I give them such a poor excuse as to why I wasn't being a good grand daughter. I LOVE them soo much that I should and could have given them the time and thought to mail them some pictures of me and the kids.

About a week ago my step mother called me and told me that my Dad's mom, my grandma, was home and has hospice. She has parkinsons really bad. She can't feed herself. She can't walk. She has horrible dementia. She went to the hospital and her health has declined especially since she refuses to eat. Either refuses or can't..no one really knows all too well. My parents were given the option of tube feeding or hospice. With my grandma's wishes and what she would want in her quality of life they decided hospice is the best choice. No one knows how long she has left but a few weeks at most is most likely! My step dad was in the military so wemoved around a lot. She always called, wrote letters, sent card, sent gifts. She always let me know she was always thining of me!

A few hours ago my dad (step father who raised me and has been with my mom since I was a baby) told me that my other grandma (his mom) is in the hospital. She has pneumonia which is extremely bad since she has COPD and Asthma and every other breathing complication you could think of. The Dr's gave her a 20% chance of living. My dad thinks she probably wont make it until he even gets there. I just saw her this past summer and thought how great it was to see her after a few years. I remember seeing her on our summer vacations. She told me that when my parents finally got married when I was 4 I yelled "I'm a Koniarski now"! She loves that story sooo much she tells everyone! She always told me how special I was and showed me off to her friends and bragged about her special grand daughter. In her eyes I was her biological grand daughter!

I have these 2 amazing ladies as Grandma's in my life and I feel as though I have let them down. I would love to call them but they're unable to speak. I want them to know just how much I love them and need them in my life. I may have taken them for granted but I truly do love them with all of my heart and I do not want to lose them. I need them in my life and my life would feel incomplete without them in it!


*Updated 19Jan2010

Grandma Koniarski was intubated, her heart had stopped and had to be jump started, she was unconscious and recovery was less than 10%. Miraculously she woke up, started breathing on her own and is being released to a rehab center before she is able to go home. She has had a lot of damage to her heart and lungs so next time she might not be so lucky. We believe she is on the last of her nine lives.

It's heart breaking to say but my Grandma Johnson passed away early this morning around 130am. My Aunt and Dad and Step mom were visiting her all this passed weekend. I think it gave her some sort of closure to know they were there for her and it was ok to move on. She is to be buried next to my Grandfather sometime soon. RIP Grandma, I love you and will miss you! :(